Thoughts for the New Year

When you go through really tough stuff, loss, extreme sadness or grief, you feel like the pain is never going to stop. You can’t imagine a day where it won’t hurt.

But then... after what seems like forever, you start to forget a little bit how raw and hard it all felt. Either because something else has finally filled that void up, or because time, and day to day life have happened and numbed some of it out.

I think that’s “Time’s job”.
To help soften the pain of the past, and also to remind you that today is all you may have, and to REALLY cherish it.

I remember feeling so inadequate as a young mother.
Overwhelmed, isolated, tired, sometimes empty and yet still happy at the same time.
Now as a newly single Momma of pre-teens, I feel even more scared and unsure - but find that my “emotional happiness cup of motherhood” is overflowing in this season of my life. It’s filled to the top and bursting at the seams.

I tap into that feeling over and over again when I am struggling with the anger of my divorce or the debilitating fear of not knowing what my future will bring, now that I’m on my own.
I don’t think the irony of these two polar opposite feelings crossing paths at the same time in this moment of my life... actually has anything to do with irony at all.
I truly believe that God has a plan for each of us, and that he wants us to be REALLY happy - even when ESPECIALLY when times feel impossible, hopeless or too hard.

I don’t KNOW much of anything (especially about God or religion) - I’ll admit that. But I DO know THIS with every fiber of my being, because I feel it to my core... God wants us to win.
He wants us to find happiness through life’s sometimes uncontrollable circumstances and outcomes.
He wants us to WANT help, so he can give it - but sometimes it takes falling to rock bottom (emotionally, spiritually, physically or mentally) to finally call on him for comfort.

I don’t think I’ve prayed harder in my entire life, than I have this last month.
For people I don’t even know, for members of my social media family here, everyday life friends, for my own family, for myself... and the list goes on.

My heart has been hurt and mended more than a few times in my 36 years here on earth... but after my separation, I honestly never thought I would be able to pick up the catastrophic mess that was left around me.

...turns out, I was wrong.

And over the last couple years, the more I step back and look in at it... I think I’ve decided that that’s what life is totally all about.
Seeing what we do with the pieces of our heart and life, that break and scatter.
Figuring out how to rearrange the mess, into something... ANYTHING that makes us feel remotely whole again.
There’s no time limit on that kind of work.
And I want to tell you (and maybe this is more for just myself) that IT’S OKAY to take it slow.
Don’t let anyone rush you, especially yourself.
Bottling and burying only work for so long before you can’t dig any deeper or push things down any further.
If new resolutions are being made tonight, simply to cover up others that are still lingering and begging for attention... I say look inward and try again.
Not because you failed, but because you refuse to stop fighting for yourself.
You’re stronger than you think.
You deserve more peace.
Life’s momentary circumstances don’t define you.
Give yourself some grace.
You’re doing SO good.
You ARE enough.
And there’s no rush.
Life really IS about the journey - and sometimes you just need to stop and FEEL it all, to properly start to HEAL it all.
Happy New Year you guys - it’s gonna be a good one.💗